When “War” (as in war in Afghanistan, Iran, etc.) entered the strip mall parking lot in his camouflage-colored Humvee – and much to the chagrin of local proprietors – he spread himself over two parking spaces and entered the coffee shop where I was seated working on an article on the terrible nature of wars.
Once inside, War dropped his leather briefcase on the table next to me and, without a faint of a friendly “hello,” walked to the counter to place his order before returning to his seat and opening his laptop. Well, the next 30 minutes of my interaction with War was, should I say, rather interesting.
You see, what started the bruhaha was when I flashed on my laptop an unsettling picture of the scores of Iranian kids whose lives were snuffed out recently by a bomb dropped on their elementary school. My plan was to insert that picture and war-related lyrics into my article for emotional effect. That’s when the bottom fell out of what should have been a civil conversation about the consequences of war.
After looking at the picture War glared at me:
WAR: Sorry to interrupt you but there’s no reason for you to display that awful image.
ME: Excuse me? Well, how about explaining why wars are declared on innocent people?
WAR: Okay, did it occur to you that I don’t declare wars. It’s dictators and presidents like yours who do. My job is to execute wars. Besides, who the heck are you?
As I was mulling my response, a huffy War got up from the table to go pick up his latte. But before he returned – silly of me, I know now – I pulled up on YouTube a song with lyrics that I had in mind for my article on war. That song, “War, what is it good for? Absolutely nothin,” is a 1970 one by Edwin Starr, the one I was playing when War returned to his seat.
WAR: Turn that (expletive) thing off…now!
ME: Hey, watch your language. There are children here. Now I’m anxious to talk with you about my concerns about war. Are you willing to?
WAR: Go ahead but I don’t have all day. And only if you skip the theatrics.
ME: Okay, let’s start by telling me how you responded when they changed the name of your department from the Department of Defense to the Department of War.
WAR: Well, it took some time getting used to although I would have preferred no change at all or, if they had to, maybe to the Department of Peace. Anything else?
ME: No, but what I find so loathsome is that with a few exceptions, President Eisenhower comes to mind, many of those who are quick to declare wars never served in the military themselves and neither have their sons and daughters. Do you feel likewise?
WAR: Look, as I said, I don’t declare wars myself. As you guys are quick to say, guns don’t kill people, people do. By that standard, wars don’t kill people, people do. So why the double standard when it comes to those of us who carry out wars?
ME: C’mon, that’s beside the point War. We’ve migrated from a war of ideas, a good thing, to a war of words, not always a good thing, and now to a war with bombs, the latter a last resort but never a good thing when innocent lives are lost. How on earth do you sleep at night?
WAR: Hold on, my question is not beside the point. Why are you dodging my question about the double standard. That’s okay, I get it. You’re probably one of those left-leaning pacifists with an ax to grind when the topic is war. Did you ever serve in the military?
ME: No, but both of my late brothers served in the army and between them spent three tours in Vietnam. Thanks to you War, my older brother had to deal with the effects of Agent Orange. But since we’re on this topic do you agree with the fact that a person who looks like me, except for former president Obama, never had an opportunity to declare war, a privilege in this country held exclusively by old white men? And for that matter War, how often in the history of civilization have women been in the position to declare war?
WAR: (Shrug) Hey, it is what it is.
Perhaps in a move to throw me off and put me on the spot, War asked me this;
WAR: Years ago, and even though cigarette manufacturers put warning labels on cigarette packs that their product may cause cancer, thousands of people still worked in those plants. So, can we argue that those workers were complicit in the deaths of millions?
ME: Your premise is as interesting as it is debatable sir.
WAR: No, wait. Have you lost someone in your family for smoking related lung cancer?
ME: Well, yes…but….
WAR: Then would you accept a well-paying job in a cigarette plant or bomb making facility with full knowledge that their product could lead to someone’s death?
ME: Probably not?
WAR: Probably? C’mon, dude you’re hedging. My guess is that if you were to pose that question to 10 people you know most of them like you would probably say no. But if working there were to put food on the table for their families they’d probably say yes, and if you’re honest so would you.
ME: Let’s agree to disagree on that question War.
WAR: (LAUGH)! As the saying goes, if you can’t take the heat stay out of the kitchen!
ME: Look, while I sit here listening to you War I’m reminded of the words of the National Rifle Association that ‘guns don’t kill people do.’ Does that mean that wars don’t kill people, but those that declare them do, or that drugs don’t kill people, but those who manufacture and sell them do? I’m not going to let you off the hook on this.
Before responding, War checked his text messages, shut down his laptop and was about to rush out with this explanation:
WAR: Sorry, but I just received orders from the White House to go take out Cuba.
ME: Wait, before you go we need to talk more about ….
WAR: No, enough is enough. You know what the problem is? People like you are quick to judge war folks like me with little or no knowledge beyond what you hear on left-leaning news programs. Do us a favor and hush and try listening sometimes.
War then cut out without even a nod to the parking lot leaving me with nothing else to do but resume playing the Starr song that ticked him off when he first pulled up a seat:
(War, huh) Good God, y’all
(What is it good for?) Absolutely nothin’
Say it again (War) It ain’t nothing but a heartbreaker
Friend only to the undertaker, aww
(War, huh) Woah, woah, lord, lord
War (What is it good for?) Absolutely nothin.” – Ewin Starr
At that, customers at other tables within earshot exchanged stunned looks before returning to their private whispers and unfinished lattes.
Me? Well, duly chastised maybe I do need to stay out of hot kitchens and hush my mouth sometimes!
Terry Howard is an award-winning writer, a contributing writer with the Chattanooga News Chronicle, The American Diversity Report, The Douglas County Sentinel, TheBlackmarket.com, recipient of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Leadership Award, and third place winner of the Georgia Press Award.
