In preparation for this piece, I read for the umpteenth time the article, “Why Men Don’t Have Friends
and Why Women Should Care” and connected that one with recent reports on the epidemic of
loneliness sweeping the nation. Now although those readings were race neutral, here’s the head
scratching question I was left with: would they have been written differently in some respects if
Black men were the single focus of the article and the reports? Still wondering.
That led to a recent conversation I had with the wife of a longtime friend.
You see, to get a gender-based perspective on the 4th Quarter Project – I’ll define that shortly – I
wanted to hear her perspective on what groups of women talk about when men aren’t around and,
by contrast, what she figured that men talked about when women aren’t around. (We include
perspectives from other women further down). Here’s what she told me:
“Women talk about everything,” she explained. “And women, most of us that is, don’t hold back on
showing our emotions. But from what I hear, men don’t show their emotions around other men.”
Now while you’re either nodding in agreement – or shaking your head in disagreement – with that as
our start, let’s shift to the above-cited 4th Quarter Project, a group of a cross section of African
American men geographically and professionally dispersed in the “fourth quarter” of their lives.
We meet by Zoom every two weeks. There’s a vibe about this group of men who’re united around
issues impacting our group that’re probably different from other groups of men. Here’s how the
project’s founders, Keith Quarles and Marvin Smith, defined it:
“Many men reach the later stages of life with decades of experience, responsibility and resilience—
but few spaces where they can talk openly without judgment or pressure. The 4th Quarter Project
aims to make those conversations possible in a way that feels natural, respectful and on each
man’s own terms. The Project is designed to create space for everyday older men of color to talk at
their own pace about the experiences and challenges that come with later life. This is not about
fixing problems, giving advice, or asking anyone to share more than they’re comfortable with. It’s
about men telling their own stories, listening to others and recognizing that many of the things we
deal with in this stage of life are shared, even when we’ve never said them out loud. The idea is
simple: create a setting where men can speak honestly if and when they choose, and where
listening is valued just as much as talking.”
So why focus on Black men? Well, here’s an opinion that may cause some readers to flee this page
and the rest of this narrative like a flock of startled geese.
Look, I don’t know of any demographic group that’s analyzed, pilloried, admired or feared more than
Black men. Put him on a basketball court or football field he’s cheered and revered – that is until he
gets hurt and can no longer fill the stands and team owner’s coffers. Yet, put him on the street
corner with young Black men – yes, I’m going to say it – or in the number one seat in the White
House, it’s whoa, uh, uh, that’s a bridge too far, the end of Western civilization as we know it.With that said, off my chest and out of the way, let’s shift now to the fast-growing list of Black men
who comprise the 4th Quarter Project.
Although the men are all residents of the fourth quarter of their lives, like any other demographic of
men there’s one thing that they’re not…monolithic! Having been reared in such disparate places as
California, Massachusetts, New York or in small towns in the south, their perspectives are shaped
by those experiences. And the fact is that we all derive in one way or another – some more, some
less – with scars from the quagmire of racism that accompanies growing up Black in America. It
comes with the territory, the pigmentation.
Professionally, the group is made up of well-educated entrepreneurs, real estate and financial
professionals, a medical doctor, a district judge, a writer, business owners and retirees.
So, what issues do we grapple with? Well, I’m glad you asked, or wanted to ask.
On top of our list are the health-related challenges that accompany aging. And since life in the
fourth quarter means a constant shrinking circle of friends and family members through death, the
topic of loss was one that was shared.
What else? Well, occasionally we push the envelope with some topics. For example, our
discussion about the impact of adding white and openly gay men to the group was one topic that
drew mixed reactions influenced in part by personal beliefs and experiences and where members
were born and raised. For example, those raised in the Jim Crow south tended to discuss matters of
race and sexual orientation differently than those raised on the West coast or in the northeast.
Now do we talk about death, life’s common denominator, and the inevitability of our own death? If
not directly, vicariously I believe we do when we talk about the growing list of those we once knew
who’re no longer with us.
Here’s what several men said about their participation in the 4th Quarter Project.
“Having retired after 40 years as a consultant, at this point in my life I felt that there was something
missing. Now I have something else in my life to really look forward to, the 4th Quarter Project. ”
“After recently losing two of my best friends, the 4th Quarter group has filled a big gap in my life. ”
“For years I’ve been actively involved in my fraternity and Christian men fellowship groups, but
unlike those, the issues we explore in the 4th Quarter Project are never discussed in those groups.”
“I’m at my best when I push myself and others outside their comfort zones because that’s where
true learning takes place, not only about the issue itself but ourselves in response to that issue. If
I’m not uncomfortable I’m probably not learning. The 4th Quarter Project allows that for me.”
As said earlier, I reached out to several members’ wives to see if they’ve observed related to their
husband’s participation in the 4th Quarter Project. Here’s some of what they told me:Said a wife, “My husband loves being a member of this group, especially because he recently dealt
with a health challenge that led to a personal reflection. For him the opportunity to listen to others
has been a powerful validation of “wow, you too?”
“Clearly he enjoys being a part of the group because he talks about it for hours afterwards,” said
another. “He hates any schedule conflicts that cause him to miss meetings.”
Said another, “There’s no question about how much he enjoys the group. He’s particularly pleased
with learning how much he has in common with other Black men, especially the group’s willingness
to deal with issues men typically don’t open up about.”
Taken together, these comments from members boil down into a one-word reason that seems to
best explain their collective interest in the 4th Quarter group…..anticipation! And
science supports the power of anticipation, and the health benefits it engenders.
A 2015 study showed that anticipating something fun is related to decreased negative emotions
such as anxiety and depression. The effect is so powerful that we get more benefit
from anticipating a potential positive event than we do from recalling an actual past positive event.
The study showed that anticipating something good can even help us feel more positive about
something potentially stressful.
The impact is demonstrated on a physiological level. A 2018 study asked participants
to anticipate a positive event while undergoing an MRI procedure. The imaging test showed that
positive anticipation caused participants’ brains to release dopamine, a neurotransmitter
that results in feelings of pleasure, satisfaction and motivation.
On the issue of health benefits that come with the anticipation of participating in the Project, co-
founder Keith Quarles summed it up best:
“For me there have been mental benefits from my participation in the Project that come with
unloading things I’ve kept inside and to gauge my health issues against those of other men. It’s also
cemented my friendship with other men I know and even enriched conversations I now have with
my wife. So yes, do I anticipate our upcoming meetings? You bet I do.
”
If anything, the hope is that this narrative is an incentive for others who reside in the fourth quarter
of their lives to launch their own 4th Quarter Project, for those who want to anticipate that quarter
rather than dreading it.
Oh, yes, one more thing before we go: If Zoom is not your preference, a nearby coffee shop or any
safe space for dialogue would work as well. All you need to bring with you is an open mind, a
willingness to share and an interest in learning. Getting started is not that difficult, sorely needed
and, yes, it just may add years to your life.
Terry Howard is a writer with the Chattanooga News Chronicle, The American Diversity Report, The
Douglas County Sentinel, TheBlackmarket.com, the Standing on Their Shoulders Chronicle, recipient of the Dr.
Martin Luther King, Jr. Leadership Award, and third place winner of the Georgia Press Award.
